Fysik - God Must have Needed You Somewhere Else
This is the post that I have not been able to write for more than a week; and I thought that a bit of time would help me to be articulate and somehow hopeful, but I can hardly breathe as I type these words. They always speak of “heartbreak”, in the context of great loss - but I find that there are no words that can serve to describe how my heart feels - it keeps going, with what feels like a veil of tears, and a painful yearning for something and Someone that cannot be. I had posted about a horse lost, and I could not say who that horse was; but I feel that I should share this with those of you who I know will be affected by this tragic loss.
This horse was with me for almost 8 years. I agreed to take him one evening when I learned thar he was scheduled to be euthanized the next morning. He was a show jumper 3 day eventing horse, but he had developed navicular and his career was over. He was 6 years old. He was not sound when i got particularly on his left front, but showed no signs of lameness after i had his shoes pulled and he had a lot of pasture rest And i watched his spirit revive - he was a gentle giant when he came here but he had foot pain, and was emotionally shut down. But wow, as he became sound, and realized he was retired and did not have to work - did his remarkably tangible spirit glow beyond his massive frame. He was the giant teddy bear of horses. He went from fighting the farrier to falling asleep during his hoof trims.
He became known to many last year when he fell through the ice here. And i would have done anything to save him again, but he passed suddenly of what turned out to be a rare disease - an aneurism took his life at some point between me being out in the afternoon and putting out hay in the evening. I found him lifeless, in his pen - his pen that was just a stone’s throw from the house. And at first i just was in such shock that i did not move. But then i just threw myself on top oh him and cried. I asked out loud what happened.
It was Fysik. My baby. I have written his name. He was mine for most of his life - what i mean by that is that he was almost 14 and came here at 6. And i loved him as much as it is possible to love. And but for the ice breaking last winter, he would have not been news. Not many would have known he was here And i feel protective of him now - That is, And i dont want haters tarnishing how beautiful he was - or our connection - or his story. He has 14 months here after that icy rescue. And my vet is clear that there was no connection between that event and this disease.
The disease is called guttoral pouch mycosis. In rare cases, a fungus that horses ordinarily carry forms plaques in the guttural pouches (located under the horse’s ears) and then damage the carotid artery, until a fatal hemmorage occurred. Some horses show nerve damage or have a prior nose bleed but many seem notmal. Fysik showed no symptoms. And I could not have watched him more closely or cared for him any better than i did - even that same morning, i had stopped to reach up around his warm, fury neck and hug him after giving him and Kitty and Django their water- and tell him i loved him. I did not do that every day. But something provoked me to tell him in that moment.
I could see him right outside my kitchen window and from my master bedroon window when i got up every morning. I passed his pen every time i drove out of my garage. I checked on him at least 3 times a day. He was a massive presence, a gorgeous light that shone so brightly into my heart every day. And to see his pasdock now - to look for him and find that he is not there - it is just beyond sad.
I am not sure what to do about people. But i know his icy rescue brought some special people to Adorado. And that is exemplary of how his beautiful soul was magnetic. And he deserves a send off of some kind - to be sent prayers and loved. Please know that Dr, Roberts said that he woukd not have been in pain at the end. And it was clear that he was grooming his friend, Bronson, over the fence even while this was happening. I cannot stand to think that I was not there to somehow pull him back from this.
I just miss this special boy so much and wonder why -why he died of a rare disease after all he went through. He soared past navicular for many years. And he madr a complete recovery after falling through the ice. It is just the last thing i would have ever expected. He was thriving - and clearly so very happy. I am so caught up in grief. And all I can think of to try to keep going is that I had many special years with this gorgeous soul - and that I got to share him a little.
I love you Fysik. I know you loved me and your friends here too But God must have needed you somewhere else.